


Ondolemar Flashback - You Don't Always Get What You Want

by phoenixquest



Series: Ryndoril and Ondolemar [21]
Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-26 03:36:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7558591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixquest/pseuds/phoenixquest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A young Ondolemar is stuck at a party with many other mer in Alinor. He should be socializing and enjoying himself...but all he can think about are his forbidden (and unrequited) feelings for Ancano.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ondolemar Flashback - You Don't Always Get What You Want

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in the Ryndoril universe, but many years before Ondolemar ever meets Ryndoril; this is before the Great War, in fact. I did a "flashback" for Ryndoril ("Guild Brother") and figured I ought to do one for Ondolemar, too. Not something I'd call uplifting, so be warned; lots of pining. Also, I hope I tagged everything correctly; it was hard to know what to do with a "pining" fic. I've had this written for quite a long time, so...might as well let you all have it!

Ondolemar watched from across the room as the white-haired elf laughed, speaking flirtatiously to the female mer next to him. Her hand was on Ancano’s knee, and Ancano’s hand was running through her hair. Ondolemar made himself look away.

It was always hard being around Ancano anymore, ever since he realized he had feelings for the elf, but watching him try to seduce a female…it made everything much more difficult. He felt his heart twist as Ancano’s laughter carried across the room; he wanted so badly to be the one making the mer laugh, making him smile.

He immediately felt disgusted with himself; he knew the feelings were wrong, he wasn’t meant to be interested in males. He should have been pining after the female Ancano was talking to – she was obviously well-bred and intelligent. He couldn’t even remember her name.

Ondolemar sighed, taking a long drink from his bottle of wine. He wondered if he could just leave without being rude. Likely not. These social parties were always a source of gossip…and he certainly didn’t want to be the focus of it.

“Having fun as usual, I see,” Aurelion teased him, sitting next to him on the cushioned bench. “It hasn’t even been an hour yet.”

“I know,” Ondolemar said, trying to smile at his brother, but it just wouldn’t come. “You’re aware I hate these social gatherings.”

“Yes, you’d rather be _reading_ ,” Aurelion laughed. “Or learning new spells.”

“Well, we can’t _all_ stab practice dummies with swords all day,” Ondolemar replied. “Or walls,” he added, taunting. Aurelion grinned.

“One time,” he said, chuckling. “That happened _one_ time.”

“Once is enough,” Ondolemar told him. “Particularly when it happened in front of everyone.”

“Keep goading me and I’ll show you just how good my aim is,” Aurelion grinned wryly. “Brother or not.”

“Yes, yes, so you say,” Ondolemar said, shaking his head in amusement. He couldn’t help glancing back toward Ancano then – just in time to see his interested lady slap him across the face and stalk off. Ondolemar couldn’t help smirking a little as Ancano’s hand went to his cheek; it wasn’t entirely unusual for the mer to get that reaction to his flirting attempts, though this lady _had_ seemed interested before.

“Looks like that went well,” Aurelion laughed, having noticed too. Ancano was staring after the female elf in consternation, but finally shook his head in defeat and looked around. His face brightened when he saw Ondolemar, and he got up to join the mer and his brother.

“Not a success, I take it?” Ondolemar asked, feeling his heart do a little flip as the elf grinned at him. He tried to make it behave.

“You’d think if a woman’s flirting with you, it’d be all right to ask for a kiss,” Ancano said, shaking his head.

“She hit you over a kiss?” Ondolemar asked, raising an eyebrow. Ancano shrugged, sitting down on Ondolemar’s other side. His heart beat a little faster. _I’d kiss you_ …

“Can’t win them all, I suppose,” Ancano said. “Why are you two sitting over here, being unsociable?”

“I beg your pardon,” Aurelion said, frowning. “ _I_ have been perfectly sociable; I just came to sit with this brooding thing.” Ondolemar reddened slightly.

“Well, your company is not required, so feel free to leave,” Ondolemar replied, shoving his brother.

“Oh, I see – you want to be _alone_ ,” Aurelion grinned, teasing. Ondolemar felt his face grow hot all at once, blushing deeply; his brother didn’t know of his feelings, but that didn’t stop his reaction. “I’ll just _go_ , then – don’t mind me!” he cackled.

“Stop it,” Ondolemar muttered, staring at the ground. He didn’t see Ancano look at him in concern before turning on his older brother.

“Aurelion, leave him alone,” Ancano frowned. “You know he’s uncomfortable here. Go find yourself someone else to poke fun at.”

“All right, all right,” Aurelion grinned, getting up and walking off. Ondolemar took another drink of his wine, wishing he could just disappear.

“Are you feeling well, Ondolemar?” Ancano asked, concern in his voice. “He was only teasing you.”

“I know that,” Ondolemar snapped. Ancano raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything, and Ondolemar sighed. “Sorry, my friend.”

“Quite all right,” Ancano said, putting a hand on the mer’s shoulder. Ondolemar’s stomach flip-flopped. “Are you sure you’re not unwell, though?”

“I just let his teasing get to me,” Ondolemar said, shaking his head and finally looking up at Ancano. Auri-El, the mer was handsome, with his white, flowing hair and gorgeous golden eyes. “Thanks,” he added.

“Of course,” Ancano smiled, removing his hand. “Don’t you want to chat with any of these girls? You needn’t sit over here so lonely. Linrael’s been looking at you all night.” Ondolemar glanced automatically in the direction Ancano indicated; it seemed he was right.

“Right, because _I’m_ so interested in being slapped in the face,” Ondolemar said dryly, and Ancano chuckled.

“Don’t ask for a kiss, then,” Ancano suggested. He rubbed his cheek again. “That one had some force, though.”

“Are you sure you only asked for a kiss?” Ondolemar teased, but reached up to touch his fingers to Ancano’s cheek. Only by sheer force of will did he keep his hand from shaking as he healed the other elf.

“Thank you,” Ancano smiled as Ondolemar dropped his hand. “You’re always so kind about that.”

“I wouldn’t have to be, if you’d stop offending these girls,” Ondolemar said, trying hard to conceal his trembling hand. Ancano’s cheek had felt warm, and so soft…

“Perhaps if they’d stop being so easily offended,” Ancano said. “Ah, well. I’m getting another drink.”

“Right,” Ondolemar said, giving him a small smile as the white-haired elf got to his feet. “Have fun.”

“You, too,” Ancano said sternly. “Lighten up a bit. Maybe _try_ to talk to someone.”

“We’ll see,” Ondolemar said, watching the other mer walk away. It was utterly indecent, Ondolemar decided, the way Ancano’s sculpted rear end moved under his robes.

Far more indecent that Ondolemar couldn’t remove his eyes from the sight, though.

He sighed, drinking more of his wine; it wasn’t going to last him long if he wasn’t careful. He saw Linrael was still glancing coyly his way; he gave her a tight-lipped smile, but couldn’t bring himself to go talk to her.

She wasn’t Ancano.

His gaze was inexorably drawn back toward the white-haired elf, and already another mer lady had caught his attention. A quick exchange between the two showed that _she_ was certainly not averse to things such as kisses, and they shared a rather disgustingly passionate one in front of everyone. Most averted their eyes; a few jeered the pair.

Ondolemar just wanted to be the one tasting Ancano’s beautiful lips.

“He does tend to make a scene, doesn’t he?” a voice asked, startling Ondolemar out of a brief fantasy where _he_ was the one nibbling Ancano’s ear. He looked around and saw Linrael standing next to him. Damn it.

“Hello, Lin,” he said politely.

“Mind if I join you?” she asked, a somewhat predatory smile on her face. 

“Not at all,” Ondolemar said automatically, years of etiquette training overriding his wish to simply be alone. He gestured to the spot next to him on the bench, the one Ancano had left.

“I’d be surprised if he hasn’t slept with half the girls in this room,” Linrael said disdainfully, watching along with Ondolemar as the pair moved off to a more secluded part of the room. “And not even all of them Altmer.”

“He has his own way of doing things, that’s for certain,” Ondolemar murmured. Ancano’s hand was trailing over the other girl’s arm, a light touch, sweet and sensual and desiring. What would those long fingers feel like on _his_ arm?

“Well, some of us have a bit more refined taste,” Linrael said, scooting closer to Ondolemar. He squirmed a little, uncomfortable with the closeness, but smiled at her all the same. Ancano was right, after all; it wouldn’t hurt to be nice to some of the others at the party, and he really ought to find a nice girl. That’s what he was _supposed_ to do.

“Am I a refined taste?” Ondolemar mused. He’d been with two other mer females, but he was known to be extremely picky. Linrael was always nice enough, at least.

“With your discerning attitude, I’d say so,” Linrael said, smiling at him. Her hand moved to his knee, and he didn’t bother to move away, awkward as it felt. The other female’s hand was tracing Ancano’s ear now, the Altmer’s eyes closed in pleasure. He clenched his teeth in frustration; he needed to stop this. He forced himself to focus on Linrael.

“Perhaps I simply prefer peace and quiet to any odd companion,” he said, making himself smile at her. “Is there something wrong with that?”

“Nothing at all,” Linrael almost purred. “It just means you’re more enthusiastic when you do bother with someone, I presume,” she added cheekily. Ondolemar chuckled humorlessly – if she only knew how ‘enthusiastic’ he was with the idea of someone he _wanted_ to bother with…

“Then I shall take it as a compliment, and thank you,” Ondolemar said, placing his hand on hers. He couldn’t stop another glance toward Ancano and his female friend; he was most certainly kissing her _now_ , both of them quite enthusiastic about it. Ondolemar felt nauseated, and made himself look away again.

“So how is your training going?” Linrael asked, clearly trying to keep his attention on her. It seemed he wasn’t being seduced as easily as she’d hoped. “You haven’t been involved in any raids yet, have you?”

“Not yet, no,” Ondolemar replied. This, at least, was easy enough to talk about. “Though I’ve heard rumors they’re thinking about war.”

“Hmm, yes,” Linrael frowned. She was higher up than him, being a bit older, and would know more than he did. “It does seem to be heading that way. Though I have hope that it wouldn’t need to be much of a fight.”

“We are very good,” Ondolemar agreed. “But the Empire has might as well.”

“Ha,” Linrael said disdainfully. “As though it could compare to our forces.”

“It never hurts to be prepared for all possibilities,” Ondolemar said fairly. Linrael rolled her eyes, but then smiled.

“Enough dark talk,” she said to him then, taking his hand in both of her own. His stomach lurched, but not in the pleasant way it had with Ancano’s nearness; this just made him feel anxious and awkward. Just like the others. “Let’s stick to something more pleasant this evening, shall we?”

“And what did you have in mind, Linrael?” Ondolemar asked. Was this how he was supposed to act? Was she flirting, and was this the right way to flirt back? Why was it so much easier with Ancano, and he could barely make sense of himself when it came to a female?

“Well, to begin with, we could go somewhere more private,” Linrael suggested with a grin. Ondolemar barely held back from sighing; he wished it wouldn’t always come to this. It only made sense, he knew; he was of prime age for reproducing, and most others wanted such interactions as well. He wished he could want them, too.

At least, with someone he was supposed to want them with. Ancano certainly didn’t count.

He heard a high-pitched giggle across the room and glanced over without thinking; it had, sure enough, come from the corner Ancano and his friend had taken for their own. He watched the white-haired mer grin before being led off up the stairs by the female; it seemed things had turned very much in Ancano’s favor for the evening.

He wished he could be happy for his friend, he really did. He wanted to hit something instead.

“Ondolemar?” a new voice interrupted his thoughts; he’d nearly forgotten about Linrael in just the moment he’d been watching Ancano. He looked over to find Nyslian looking at him, a strange look on her face. “Could I have a moment?” Linrael gave Nyslian a dirty look, but released Ondolemar’s hand.

“Excuse me, please,” Ondolemar said to Linrael, still trying to be polite. He couldn’t say how grateful he was for the interruption. “I apologize, Lin. Perhaps another time.”

“Of course,” Linrael said, an automatic response just like his own. Ondolemar got to his feet and followed Nyslian off to a different corner, away from most of the guests.

“Is everything all right, Nyslian?” Ondolemar asked worriedly. She seemed to be behaving oddly.

“Er…no, not really,” Nyslian said, and then Ondolemar saw her sniffle as her eyes filled with tears. “I – it’s stupid, but – Arondil has broken off our relationship.”

“Oh, Nys, I’m sorry,” Ondolemar replied, putting a gentle hand on her arm. Even _this_ was simpler, he realized. This he could do. “I must ask, why did you come to me, of all people?” He’d broken it off with her shortly after they’d slept together the third time, realizing it just didn’t feel right. She’d been kind enough about it though he knew it’d hurt her.

“I…I just trust you,” Nyslian sniffled. “If you don’t want me to, I can go, but I just…needed a friend, and…”

“Shh,” Ondolemar said kindly, rubbing her arm. “You needn’t leave; I don’t mind. I simply thought I might be the last you’d wish to talk to under such circumstances.” She gave him a thin smile.

“Perhaps if you’d been horrible about it,” she acknowledged. “But you’re always so friendly to me, and…well…”

“Right,” Ondolemar said, nodding once. “Talk away, then, Nys. Tell me everything. Would you like a drink?”

He retrieved a bit of wine for her before sitting down and letting her talk about what had happened with her relationship. She talked as she drank, getting more upset as she told him about how Arondil had gotten in a fight with her on the subject of torture and prisoners. Ondolemar knew the kind-hearted Nyslian wasn’t much for torture, not like many of their race, and though he himself saw the necessity of it, he would never begrudge Nyslian her preference. Arondil had, however, calling the female mer weak and soft, and when she fought back about it, he said he was done with her.

“And he just…walked away, after three months together,” Nyslian sniffled. Ondolemar took her hand, squeezing it gently as she took another drink of her wine.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Nys,” Ondolemar said kindly. “But you’re better off without him, you know. You deserve someone who’ll respect you.”

“I know,” Nyslian said, nodding. “I just thought…we had more than that. Too much to throw away on a whim.” She sighed, pulling her hand away to wipe her eyes. “I wish there were just more like you.” Ondolemar snorted.

“What, mer who can’t commit to a relationship with a perfectly nice female because he can’t feel anything?” he asked, and Nyslian managed a small laugh.

“No,” she corrected. “Kind mer who give a damn about people’s feelings.” Ondolemar smiled at her a bit.

“You’ll find someone who deserves you, Nys,” he replied. “Arondil most certainly did not.”

“You’re right,” she sighed in reply. “Of course you’re right. I am being silly.”

“You are having feelings, Nyslian, and you’re perfectly allowed them,” Ondolemar replied. “Just…maybe don’t waste them on someone who is so unimportant,” he added teasingly. Nyslian laughed again, a heartier sound this time.

“True,” she said. “I’m sorry I interrupted you. It looked like you were getting close with Linrael.”

“That’s…quite all right,” Ondolemar assured her. “You are my friend, Nys, and I want to be there when you need one.” She smiled at him.

“You really are too kind,” she said. “Even if everyone else thinks you’re prickly as a thorn bush.”

“Only when it’s worth being kind,” Ondolemar said. He sighed then, staring off at the door where Ancano had gone. He couldn’t even stop thinking about the damn elf when he wasn’t in the room. Pathetic.

“Jealous of your friend?” Nyslian said, a teasing note in her voice. “I saw your brother disappear with Epilyn, too. And here I ruined your own chances.”

“You ruined nothing,” Ondolemar said, wishing he didn’t feel afraid that she might discover his real reason for missing Ancano’s presence. “Are you feeling better?”

“I am,” Nyslian replied. “Thank you, Ondolemar. I appreciate you listening to me.” Ondolemar managed a smile at her.

“You’re welcome,” he assured her. It had, at least briefly, taken his mind off Ancano and his companion.

“I think I’ll go try and socialize again,” Nyslian said then, clearing her throat. “I’d hate to let him ruin my evening.”

“Good girl,” Ondolemar agreed. “Have fun.” He watched her walk off, looking happier, and was glad he could do something for her, even if he felt like it wasn’t very much. 

The rest of the room was alive with conversation; it wasn’t a dull event to anyone besides him, it seemed. He knew almost everyone there, and probably could have entered any of the many conversations taking place, but all he _really_ wanted to do was chase down Ancano and kiss him senseless.

“Hello again,” Linrael said, surprising him as she came up beside him, a smile on her face once more. “Were you finished with your conversation?”

“Hm? Oh, er, yes,” Ondolemar said, taken off guard. “Apologies. She was upset, and wanted a friendly chat.”

“And you _are_ quite friendly,” Linrael said, sitting next to him. “I don’t think your friend’s coming back down tonight,” she said with a small laugh when she saw Ondolemar look to where Ancano had disappeared again. “I’m sure he’s quite busy.” Ondolemar’s stomach clenched at the thought of just how “busy” Ancano was. Why did he have to keep thinking about it? Why did he have to keep being reminded?

“Yes, I’m sure you’re right,” Ondolemar said, looking at Linrael now. Perhaps he could give her a chance after all, right? She wasn’t exactly a terrible choice in a mate, and she was nice enough, and certainly willing.

“Then perhaps we could see about doing something similar ourselves,” Linrael grinned. A vision of Ancano atop the pretty mer female he’d followed upstairs earlier flashed in Ondolemar’s mind, making his heart ache.

“Perhaps we could,” Ondolemar agreed, a bit more grimly than he probably should have. On some level, he knew he was using her as a distraction, but what choice did he have? Maybe she’d turn out to be the one he could settle down with after all.

And if he spent the rest of his life wishing for Ancano…well, she didn’t need to know that. No one did.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading - comments/kudos are always greatly appreciated :)
> 
> For anyone wondering - yes, I'm still making slow-but-sure progress on Dragonborn Elf pt. 2 (working title...) I'm not abandoning these guys at all, I promise. My will to write has just been very hit or miss (with a lot of missing!)


End file.
